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Airlines Suck

God, I’m glad to be an American. This morning, I woke up at 4:10 AM to get onto a 6:05 AM flight to Dallas. My bags were packed in advance and Nichole and I were out the door at 4:45 AM. We reached the airport, I kissed Nichole goodbye and headed to the automated check in. My itinerary didn’t spell out what my ‘record locator’ exactly was so I had to mess around with the machine for about 10 minutes. I finally found the correct one within 5 minutes.

I headed to security. I showed my driver’s license, I took off my shoes and my belt. I put my quart sized bag full of soap and other crap in a plastic bin. I put my laptop on the conveyor belt and walked through the metal detectors.

I got to the gate and sat down. Within about 10 minutes I heard an announcement that my flight was canceled due to mechanical failure. They passed out a 1-800 number and basically told everyone good luck. I immediately called American Express (thank god for them, seriously) and told them the situation. The lady on the line was very helpful and started going through all the outbound flights to see if she could get me to my final destination, Austin. After about 1/2 hour on hold with the airlines, and 10 minutes standing at the ticket counter, she finally got me a ticket on United (I was originally booked on American).

I walked over to United and waited for about 10 minutes in line. When I was finally ‘helped,’ I got the new guy who had no idea how to operate a computer. He tells me that even though I have a ticket and a record #, he can’t issue me a boarding pass. I have to go back to American Airlines and get it. Son of a bitch. So I walk BACK to American Airlines. Thank god the line is down to one person. It was about 20+ deep when I was waiting. Oh and while I was waiting, I got to listen to this awesome conversation this whore had with her friend about how her boyfriend is an ‘asshole’ and a ‘pussy.’ She’s like screaming into her cell phone and getting all kinds of looks, I hope she gets crabs from the plane seat.

I’m finally helped by a person who knows what they’re doing. She prints me a ticket and tells me to go back to United and they should issue me a boarding pass. So I walk back to United. I get someone that knows how to operate a keyboard this time and I get my boarding pass. I head back to security for round #2. The line at the Indiana Jones ride at Disneyland look tame. Surprisingly, it moves quickly and I’m re-routed to the “let’s check his body cavity for drugs” line.

I’m escorted by this cheerful lady to the front of the x-ray machine line, she helps me put all my crap (scroll up) into bins and glides me through the metal detector. From that point, I’m told to wait. Some dude walks up and asks me to point out my stuff, he takes it to an examination table and tells me to walk into this awful looking machine. Have you heard of the EntryScan by GE? I hadn’t but this is what it looks like. Apparently the device is ultra top secret since you can’t view it unless you use my google cache. Anyways, I walk into this thing and it shoots air at me and finally lets me go. I guess they decided to pass on the body cavity search, whew.

They search my bag and wipe my laptop down with this swab, thanks it needed that. Finally, they let me go to my new terminal. I get some coffee and plop myself down in a seat. I call work and let them know that my flight was canceled, all is well in that department I guess. It just sucks that I’ve been in the airport this long already (4 hours).

I called J and he lent me his T-Mobile hotspot pass, thanks J. As I was sitting here, I hear this commotion start to brew. This dude with pretentious glasses and quasi-cowboy boots starts to yell at the ticket person. She informs him that he’s been bumped (common) and that he needs to get on another flight. He tells her that this has never happened, blah blah. This guy is using his miles to book the flight. Airlines are notorious for bumping people that use their miles because other people ACTUALLY PAID THEM. What a fucking concept, they want money, shocking. He keeps screaming about it to make a scene, but she won’t budge. The kicker is that someone gets off the plane, yet they won’t let this guy on, I guess they bumped another person too. The funniest part about this change is that this guy is talking to himself, rather loudly, as if he’s doing a monologue for the Tonight Show. Thankfully he finally shut up and realized he’s not going to win this round.

I have to give a big thank you to American Airlines for fucking me over. Don’t you bastards have more than one goddamn plane? Seriously, don’t you have a hanger? Is it so hard to prep a new plane than to cancel a FULL flight and royally screw everyone over? Ah well, life goes on. I’m just glad American Express handled everything. Without them I would have been lost. Anyways, I’m going to go play tetris or something. Here I come Austin! ;)

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